Sci-Fi Spectacular: Why I'm no longer a skeptic

I'm going to be honest. I wasn't so convinced going into this thing that I would have a good time. I'm not quite sure what it was either. Maybe I thought I would get tired, or restless, or that some of the films wouldn't entertain me. Or something else equally stupid. However, after exiting the Music Box at 4:00 a.m. this morning and getting slapped with a gust of crisp Chicago wind, shocking my dulled senses into focus, I can say with full confidence that it was one of the most entertaining cinematic experiences I've ever had.

Why for?

-The pitch perfect choice of films and order of screenings?

-The crowd's undying enthusiasm for the silliness and art of the films shown?

-That great moments of each movie were greeted with cheers and applause?

-Me and my friends exuberant filmic comradere and joy in sharing the experience?

-Getting to watch one of my favorite films of all time on the big screen (something I will likely never get to do ever again)?

All of the above. And more. And how!

It was fantastic. It was marvelous. It was... spectacular!

In honor of this event, I will do a mini-review of each film that was shown. Huzzah!

The Incredible Shrinking Man:

Giant cats! Killer tarantulas (who has tarantulas just hanging out in their basement?)!

What a film. The forefront of campiness? I'd say. This movie takes itself so seriously, that it's hard not to laugh at the plights of our melodramatic, tiny protagonist. His narration ranks amongst some of the most overwrought, histrionic inner-thought processes ever premiered on film. He would drag on for what seemed like ages, explaining his struggles and anxieties in hallmark-level poetry, droning on and on for minutes about how difficult it was to be small, and what he would have to do to survive. Spare us! Actually, don't. It's hilarious. One of my favorite parts? When he meets a "midget" woman in a cafe, who actually appears to be just another human shrunken from normal size, much like himself. Whatz? They have a blossoming romance that lasts... two scenes? But the highlight of the film is the microscopically epic fight between the shrunken man and a cat. Whiskers the feline attacks his toy home! Run, tiny man! Run! The audience was in stitches. Perfect.

P.S. At the end of the film everything is OK because although he is becoming increasingly miniscule, bordering on non-existent, our hero reminds us that "God doesn't know zero," and therefore he is as big as any mountain. Yay jesus!

War Of The Worlds (original):

(Dramatic pause, followed by sloth-like sip from cup) Maybe I'm biased because the special effects movies offer today are superb and realistic, but I find it hard to believe this was taken seriously. Sparky lazorz! Eeeeeep! This movie features two actors at their worst. No, I haven't seen anything else they've been in, I just know this was the worst performance from both of them. There should be a drinking game for this movie, where the participants must drink every time the two protagonists stare off into the sky with their mouths agape. No, wait.... people would die. 

The aliens look like E.T.'s deformed cousin with a disco light stuck in their face

Well, I feel threatened.

One of my favorite parts, and the audience's as well, was the countdown to the nuclear offensive on the martians. "Two minutes to bomb time!" Bomb time! Also, the end of the movie features a terrific turn by god and his magical bacteria. Thank you Lord for giving us diseases that ravage humanity, and then creating an alien race to come attack us, but also being gracious enough to make them vulnerable to the same microscopic beings that plague our kind! You are such a wonderful god! All hail the almighty destroyer! Wait, I'm drowning in my own sarcasm.

Planet Of The Apes (original):

"Get your stinking paws off me you damn, dirty apes!" (raucous applause)

One of the biggest surprises for me. I had always imagined this movie was some over-serious, slowly paced exercise in underdeveloped prosthetics. Instead, it was a pitch-perfect, comedic, and slightly thought-provoking sci-fi film anchored by the director's rather light take on the source material (hyphen-happy). And Charleston Heston? Awesome. I did find it a bit odd that he seemed borderline insane in the beginning, but once the apes came, everything was alright. The human prisons, the monkey religion, the simian judiciaries. It was all so great. "Human see, human do." The scene in the courtroom where they are deciding Heston's fate was particularly interesting, not only because of the parallels made between the debate in the film and religious discussions that take place in modern times, but the hilarious inclusion of "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" that was homaged by the three residing ape judges. And Heston's love interest was a hollywood-beautiful woman wearing revealing, tattered clothing, who didn't have the brain power to speak. Misogyny! Now we just get to wait until humans nuke the earth and we devolve.... in 2000 years?

2001: A Space Odyssey:

Yes, please. 

I don't even know where to begin. This was a riveting experience. Larger than life. The final act was mesmerizing and transporting, lifting me from my creaky theater seat and catapulting me into the infinite reaches of space and time, allowing me a brief glimpse of eternity viewed through the eyes of a man wholly aware and limited by the crushing weight of mortality. I was transformed.

Alright, now on to Kubrick's masterpiece. Opening act? One of the best of cinema. A wordless expedition through the first stages of human existence. Barbaric creatures scream at each other from across a small pool of water. One tribe scares the other away. The take and devour. They destroy and conquer. The tribe awakens in the shadow of a rectangular edifice. The monolith towers above the creatures, frightening and then enthralling them. It points to the moon. Man discovers the tool. Man crushes bones with tool. Man crushes man with tool. Man throws tool to the sky, the first attempt to reach the infinite expanses beyond our own world.

Cut to outer space. Ships float gracefully through the void. A man boards a pod headed for the moon on a trip to examine an unknown artifact. The black slab sits menacingly in the excavated quarry. We are behind the astronauts, approaching the imposing structure. A million voices scream as we grow nearer. The first man places his hand on its side. His mouth is open. The monolith points towards jupiter. 

Cut to the Discovery, a spacecraft bound for the gaseous giant. Three of its crew are hibernating. The other two move about the ship, defying gravity and the limitations of humanity. The ship's computer, HAL 9000 watches them carefully. HAL attempts to cut communications from Earth, its programing overtaking those who programmed it. The two conscious crew members attempt to dismantle it, and all crew members save for one are killed by it. Once the remaining crew member can overcome the machine, the journey can continue. 

Cut to Jupiter and beyond the infinite. A final monolith floats in space, settling in the balance of an equinox. Man has reached the final stage. A series of indecipherable images are cut between the face of the evolving human and his blinking eye. It's the end. All is noise. A series of discolored and inverted landscapes transport you to the final resting place of the human.

Cut to a white, sterile room. The man sees himself passing through stages of aging. His mortality is compressed into a few, harrowing minutes. His final form rests on a bed, half alive. The monolith floats at the end of the mattress. The man reaches out his hand, begging for the next age to begin. His withering flesh is replaced by a glowing sphere.

Cut to outer space. We are orbiting earth. One revolution reveals an enormous floating being. A fetus surrounded by glowing light. The next stage of existence. The beginning, all over again.

-

What does that all mean? Different things for everyone. But the fact is that it means something. Kubrick achieved something incredible when he made this astounding piece of art. It shattered conventions and reinvented the possibilities for the medium of film. Some of the effects in 2001 remain jaw-dropping by todays standards, and this thing was made in 1968 (Yeah, a year before we landed on the moon...). It is a towering triumph of filmmaking, and an enthralling take on existence and eternity. 40 years later and its ideas still baffle and bewilder viewers. Seeing this on the big screen was an experience I will never forget. It was perfect.

The Brother From Another Planet:

Wait, what just happened? An after school special? Racial commentary? A goofy 80's comedy? A sci-fi film? A romance? Nothing? Everything? I am so confused.

This film is a mess. A slightly funny one, but a mess. It has heavy-handed commentary on drug use, an overarching racial theme, a horrifically uneven tone, characters that are in the movie for only one scene, very poorly staged action, boggling dialogue, and a drug induced hallucination in which a Jamaican man leads the protagonist around harlem explaining random things to him. Wha?!

Oh, and the brother from another planet can't speak. He also has sex with an R'n'B singer. And can fix pinball machines by stroking their exterior. And he looks exactly like a human, but only has three toes? Double wha?!?!

Also, two aliens, disguised as white people for no apparent reason, who can talk, are hunting down the brother, and are for some reason impossibly strong but incredibly slow. And can explode on command. And in one 30 second scene, we see the aliens talking in their own language, screeching at each other like banshees from hell. This is the only scene in which aliens talk to each other in their language. Triple wha?!?!?!

Oh, and at one point the protagonist removes his eyeball and puts it in a plant and leaves it there all day, then returns, puts it back in the socket, and watches what the eye saw like it's a video camera. And later on in the film he removes his eye and puts it in the hand of a drug dealing business man before smothering said man with his own bag of heroin. Quadruple wha?!?!?!?!

Wha?!

Aliens:

 

Aliens! Sigourney Weaver! Hooray!

This one had the most cheers during the screening. Deservedly. It has some of the most fist-pumping, badass lines ever uttered in the halls of the sci-fi, and stunning action that holds up to today's ridiculously high standards. "Get away from her you bitch!" Just try not to cheer. C'mon. Try not to. Besides a rather annoying character embodied by the butch marine Private Vasquez, the film has great characters, earned laughter, and is very well acted. It's so blue! And the design of the aliens is still one of my favorite cinematic extraterrestrials ever dreamed up by someone somewhere. Also, fantastic final fight sequence, between Super-Sigourney and Uber-Alien-Queen-Monster. And newt. "RIPLLEEEEYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The Fly:

Well I'll be damned. For some reason the concept of The Fly never truly appealed to me, and I have no idea why. It stars Jeff Goldblum, one of the greats, and is directed by David Cronenberg, a fearlessly grotesque mastermind. And boy was I wrong. This movie was fantastic. Very well paced, brilliantly written and acted, and consistently funny/disturbing/sad/interesting/blah/blah/blah. Jeff Goldblum for the win. Whoever decided to give Goldblum's character the last name "Brundle" deserves a high five. When the teleport computer says Brundlefly successfully fused with telepod" at the end, I nearly died of laughter. Brundlefly! Say it! Yes! And can we talk about the ending? It's incredible. The Brundle-pod-tele-fly crawls across the floor towards Geena Davis and pulls the shotgun that's in her hand to his head. After screaming "No! I can't do it!", she-well uh, she does it. The ensuing head explosion is the most satisfying head explosion ever caught on film. After destroying Brundlewhatever, Ms. Davis falls to the floor crying, holding that damned shotgun, and it cuts to credits. That's it! And it's perfect! And I loved it! Go Brundlefly!

In conclusion, film festivities such as the Music Box's 3rd annual Sci-Fi spectacular are must-experience events for all true cinephiles, and I can definitely say I will be back for more such functions in the future. 

Go film!

Brundlefly! God, I love that.

Alex Deaton - on a cinematic high

Bambi: A Look Back

Bambi. A charming childhood staple film or an obscene, sexually charged thriller? This is the question that I pose to all of you, my readers. After recently seeing Bambi again after many years apart from it I decided I would give a summary of the film so that all of you might be able to form your own opinion so here it is:

Bambi is the story of, now stay with me here, Bambi, the newly born prince of the forest and possibly mentally handicapped deer. Born to a loving mother and an ambiguous father Bambi grows up surrounded by close friends and denizens of the forest, most notably Thumper, the wise cracking bunny with a penchant for saying all the wrong things at the right time, and Flower, the openly homosexual Skunk with a thirst for interracial sex. There are also the quails, the owl, some ducks, I think there are some opossums in there too, uhhh...oh yeah, a squirrel and a chipmunk that I'm pretty sure have some underage fling going on, and the all the other deer (we'll get to them later). So apparently Bambi lives in the most dangerous forest on the planet (most likely somewhere in New Hampshire). Not only is it teeming with hunters who roam the trees with packs containing upwards of 20 dogs but it's also teeming with hunters who roam the trees with packs containing upward of 20 dogs that are not above burning down entire swaths of forest just to get that high you get when lighting forest critters on fire. There are also deer rapists that creep among the shadows (They are both deer and they rape deer so deer rapist seemed a fitting title). So Bambi lives happily, free from the troubles of deerhood until one day his sweet, sweet mother is gunned down among the swaying feather grass of their favorite meadow, Her fate sealed to some dinner table, the meat picked from her bones until nothing is left of her other than her souless eye sockets staring towards the sky. At this point bambi's father, who decided to skip out on his son's entire childhood, shows up and whisks the young fawn away, barely a word spoken (Haha, because they're deer, right? That's what you're thinking. You know what...fuck you. They can talk, they just chose not to). Jump ahead several years. After living sad, princeless lives the forest animals are once again graced with the presence of Bambi who has grown much since the time he abandoned his people. He now sports some hefty antlers on which all the does would like to ride. This is the point in the movie where "Twitterpation" is explained. Mainly, it's when the young and, in the rabbit's case, busty female creatures seduce or assault the male critters before having their way with them. Mr. Owl warns Bambi, Thumper, and yes, even flower (though there is a bit of apprehension in his voice while doing so) that for the sake of their sanity and their lives DO NOT GET TWITTERPATED! They do. Flower, not accepted by the other animals because of his homoeroticism decides to experiment and is led away by a sexually promiscuous skunk-lady. Thumper is next in that he can't help but be taken by girl bunny who squeezes her tits several times while bathing to catch the young bunny's attention.

And finally there is Bambi, who runs into his childhood friend Saline who proceeds to mouth rape him until he has not the stamina to fight and gives in. This is where the deer rapist comes in but Bambi makes quick work of him. Somewhere in here Bambi is chased by a pack of roughly 20 vicious hounds, all of which seem kind of like cheating when it comes to hunting. I don't know if that's just me or what. Anyways, then there's a forest fire, Mrs. Quail has a nervous breakdown and after shouting "I can't stand it anymore!" is shot out of the sky,dead, and Saline gives birth to two beautiful fawns, most certainly Bambi's. Oh, and Bambi's father is still alive at this point, he just never seems to be around much, he's always sort of creeping on a large rocky overhang. End.

End.

Black Oasis Poster

This now ranks as one of my favorite movie posters. Just look at those scary girls! The one in the very center looks like my estranged cousin Fred. Could she be the Dark Lord of the Black Oasis?

And the poster warns us that this film "stimulates discussion on teen suicide, peer pressure, and relationship struggles," so you know it sucks so hard and so good. 

I get it! The house is askew--she must come from a broken home!

Black Oasis Trailer

Cinematic Brain Food #2

Having recently revisited James Cameron's Aliens (1986), I've come to a realization: elevators still need to move faster. It's not just a pain in the ass to have to wait. Sometimes it's a matter of life and death. Consider that.

Whatever Works: What the Hell, Woody!?

Stop! You'll crush her stupid hairdo! 

What happened to you, Woody? You used to be cool. But you've changed, man. Despite the cozy critical reception Vicky Cristina Barcelona got, it sucked. It very sucked. Is it the old age? Did you forget what made you funny? Are you stuck in the past? Casting Woody stand-ins worked for a while, but it's tired. If someone says 'neurotic' or 'anaylist' or anything about anxiety we get it. It should be you. And New York? References to New York don't mean anything anymore. Having a wide-eyed, bad Southern accented Rachel Evan Wood dropped into the city doesn't make it feel any more fresh. Also, Larry David? He's almost the same character in Curb Your Enthusiasm, from what I can tell. I'd rather watch that. Over and over again. Let Larry David do what he does where he should do it. This... this movie looks like it's going to be bad. Stop. You did enough for us back when you did anything for us. Just stop, or get better.

A Trailer for Whatever Works If You Want to See How Bad Woody Allen Can Get

 - Eric T. Voigt, Massively Disappointed

Nói Albínói: Why Iceland > Greenland

The one good thing about foreign films taking so long to get to the domestic market is nothing. There is nothing good about lag. The few films like Let the Right One In and British exports get to the US right on time, but even a film like Hunger is released half a year later than it should. More often than not the foreign releases that make it to the US in a near timely manner are shoved away into art house theatres I'd have to drive three hours out of my way to get to. It's bogus. 

The relevance of this complaint is slightly lost when I'm talking about a film released in 2003. It did take a year to get a limited run in the US, and I couldn't have seen it without traveling to New York or California anyway, but that was over four years back. Now is the time to talk about how grateful I am to live in an age where I'm even able to glimpse independent Icelandic films in the comfort of my own dorm-bed. 

The story is of Noi, a seventeen year old boy with albinism. I think. It's hard to see the effects this has on his pigmentation when just about everyone else in the film is as pale as he is. Such are the trials what come with living in Iceland. Noi is a quintessential rebel without a cause. He skips class, sends tape recorders in his place, and keeps his demeanor smart-assed and fast talking. He's a cut up. His struggle to live in a world with the dead beatest of dads, an unforgiving academic system, and an alluring gas station maiden is poignant, rich in humor, and sadly just under an hour and a half long. 

Getting into what makes the movie hilarious would be ruining a few major surprises. I don't do that. Alright. Here's something that doesn't spoil the movie: Noi tries to hold up a bank with a shot gun, only to have the teller ask him to stop joking around, and have the gun snatched away from him by the manager. Then the manager tells him to beat it before he calls the cops. Seconds later Noi returns to make a withdrawal. See? See what I'm taking about? That's great, that is. 

If I have to get into comparisons, I will. I'm going to get into comparisons whether I have to or not. The tone is about on par with Rushmore or Rocket Science. The lead character, a precocious scamp of a boy, goes through great personal changes with an ample mix of hilarity and sincerity. Awkward moments aren't laughable, they're... laugh-with-able with the character. Rooting for their struggles to end is never questioned, because they're insanely likable. With Noi (Tomas Lemarquis) he can win over the audience with a slight downward turn of the head, and a look up from his puppy-boy eyes. And his love interest is a absolute doll. Not in the doll-like use of the word 'doll'. None of those blonde-haired soulless barbies for Noi. 

Now onto to look of the film. Cold. Almost everything in the movie conjures up the feeling of ice. The colors are all shades of greens and blues and whites. Whenever a yellow crops up it's the most tepid yellow you could imagine. I think I counted the use of red three times. The film is cold, and it reminds you it's cold. The only occasion the film allows a bit of warmth is when Noi has tucked himself away in his private cellar, where he goes to get away from the world. Makes sense. 

I'm glad I watched it. I'm glad Dagur Kari, the director and writer, has made more films for me to find. And is releasing one this year. Which means... I'll expect to see it in 2011. Good job. 

 - Eric T. Voigt, Outside?

Star Trek: J-J-JABRAMS! J-J-JABRAMS!

That's right, Enterprise crew. It's that good.

This summer is almost scarily jam-packed with whale sized blockbusters. With the shiny new Terminator, the "darker" Transformers sequel, and... these things normally come in threes... the new Harry Potter? Close enough. Action and adventure. My point is, there are a lot of action movies hoping to win big, most of which I don't care to remember, and to kick them all off we get Star Trek. The Hollywood gods have been good to us.

Star Trek was never my thing, but I'm aware of the basics. I know who Captain Kirk is. I know who most of his crew is, and what they do. I know that if you're on a mission, and you're in a red suit, you are definitely about to die. I know the campy lines everyone else knows. I know how to do the Vulcan hand thing, and what a mind meld is. I know most of this thanks to being nerd enough to listen to all the Futurama commentaries, spoken by true fans of Star Trek, and how. Lucky for me the new Star Trek movie references each one of these, and just that, stripping away everything a die-hard fan of the series is sure to miss, and miss violently. Like the guy sitting behind me. That guy was a prick during the end credits.

In short, Star Trek kicked ass. Everything looked amazing. Visually I couldn't keep my geek off of it. That is what science fiction should look like. Space looks imposing. Terrifying. Impressive as all get out. J. J. Abrams likes to keep his camera constantly moving, and camera flaring abounds, which gives the film both a sense of realism, and a sense of awesome. He also made space pans. Space pans! Panning in space. And space zooms. Space zooms! Sometimes hilarious, sometimes epic. The pure, undeniable style Star Trek carries is worth seeing the movie for.

The guy in the red suit dies!

But that's not all the movie is worth seeing for. Probably the fact that the action is earnestly pulse-raising is why it's worth seeing. Three guys shooting out of a space ship towards a drill shooting a giant firebolt into a planet? Awesome. Hand to hand combat on top of a fire drill? Awesome. Kamikaze-ing into a giant pointy space ship? The action was awesome. It wasn't all explosions and gun fire. It had heart. It had an intensity lacking in every other movie like this. By all rational logic Star Trek should have been massively flawed. But it wasn't. I'm so stoked about that.

The casting in this movie is top notch. I keep talking about it. Ask anyone. When I think back on this, they could have cast any recognizable face. Zac Efron could have been in this movie. He could have been Kirk. Think of a Star Trek with Zac Efron playing Captain Kirk. It's not implausible, and that's a terrible revelation. But it doesn't have that. It has Syler from Heroes (Zachary Quinto), it has the kid from Alpha Dog (Anton Yelchin), it has Harold from Harold and Kumars (John Cho), and it has Simon Pegg. Simon Pegg! And they all give really convincing performances. And funny performances. This movie is brimming with comedy. It borders on cheesy maybe twice, but every other laugh is won admirably. Oh, and the Kirk (Chris Pine), and Uhura (Zoe Saldana), and Bones (Karl Urban), and the villain (Eric Bana), and Captain Pike (Bruce Greenwood) are all pretty good, too. In fact Pine plays one of my favorite smart-ass characters of recent times. He made a real good smart-ass. Plus Leonard Nimoy makes an overlong cameo as Future Spock and even Winona Ryder is in this.

J. J. Abrams is a director I trust. Cloverfield was a successfully entertaining American monster movie, and I still have a soft, gooey center in my like-to-watch lobe for Lost. He's solidified himself as someone I care to see more from. So much room to make this terrible, and it wasn't. Bravo. And the writers? Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman? They've hit action movie gold. They wrote both Transformers. Do you know how much those are making? And now this movie? These jerks wrote The Legend of Zorro and now they're pulling off this shit? Kudos and a bravo, men. You've all earned it.

Anton Yelchin is a babe.

- Eric T. Voigt, Finally I Can Sleep

Picture: Pretty Stupid, Huh?

Yes. Pretty stupid.

Cinematic Brain Food #1

Many of your favorite film actors were theater majors. Not all (of course), but many, theater majors are the worst. Consider that.

-Kevin 

Humpday: Mumblecore + Porn = Trailer

When twenty-somethings and thirty-somethings get together and talk, and shoot these talks on Mini DVs and slightly more expensive film equipment, you get a beautiful thing called mumblecore. Mumblecore is all the rage these days. Or, it isn't going to stop being made anytime soon. They're all over the place, and a handful of them are my favorites. There's Chicago's own Joe Swanberg who has made a few internet series and features like my much cared for LOL. There's Andrew Bujalski, responsible for Funny Ha Ha and Mutual Appreciation, which sent me into the world of the quasi-genre happily, and there's Mark and Jay Duplass, who made the first mumblecore I ever saw: The Puffy Chair.

New mumblecore is coming! A trailer has been released for Lynn Shelton's Humpday, starring Mark Duplass as a man willing to go as far as to sleep with his friend, Josh Leonard, in the name of competition. And they're filming it. And they're doing it without homosexuality. Hilarious. 

It's coming out July 10th, and it's going to be the coldest day in hell when I'm able to find it in a theatre. Couldn't find Barry Jenkins' Medicine for Melancholy in Chicago. Certainly won't find Humpday in West Michigan. Bah.

Here. A trailer.

Humpday Trailer

 - Eric T. Voigt, Why Am I Listening to Can?

News: Not Just Anyone Gets to Remake The Karate Kid Completely Wrong

Look on in horror as Hollywood strips away the past, Mr. Miyagi. Shed your tears, Larusso. It's time for Jaden Smith to have a go at destroying you.

There are a few distinct types of cult classic: B-level horror films, D-level dramas, weird for the sake of being weird movies, and children's movies that seemed really kickass back before you'd entered the third grade, and maintain a place in your heart even though you know there isn't all that much good to them. The Karate Kid is an American treasure. It takes everything we know off-hand about Karate, and adds it to a cute underdog story with an mind-blowingly quick resolution. For what it is it's perfect. Fun for the whole family. Lessons worth learning when you're seven. Even Will Smith's son loves the movie. That's why he wants to ruin it for new generations.

When you're the spawn of a millions worth actor Dad you can get away with a lot of crazy shit. Just look at Lindsay Lohan's kids. So when Jaden Smith says he wants to star in a remake of The Karate Kid executives shout out their "yes sir!"s and "of course, sir!"s and "how high?"s, because who's going to question the child of Hancock? It's assured that a children's movie about martial arts is making back expenses and then some. But does it have to be a remake of The Karate Kid? And does it have to be a remake of The Karate Kid that changes everything about The Karate Kid. 

I hadn't seen original until this past winter. Trust me, it got me beat up, ostracized and forgotten as much as missing out on the first three Indiana Joneses 'til senior year did. I understand that its a cherished cult film. Mr. Miyagi is a household name. Even as a child I knew that. So even though I don't share a personal connection to the film, my generation, and previous generations, do, and I also believe it's owed to the classic to be left alone. The synopsis for the remake plays out as follows:

Single mother moves to China. Kid comes along. Kid gets beat up by the local anti-Capitalists. Dejected, he returns to his video games and ollies. Jackie Chan notices him on the Wii, and teaches him a new language, and the Chinese martial art of Kung Fu. The Chinese martial art of Kung Fu. The Chinese martial art of Kung Fu. The Chinese martial art of Kung Fu. And the kid gets his confidence back, and probably fits in better, and etc. etc. blah blah happy ending. Oh, and the kid's name is Dre. That's pretty stupid, too.

Jaden Smith is playing himself in a movie with similar themes to the original that he's remaking, called The Karate Kid, about a kid who learns Kung Fu. In China. Where they learn Kung Fu. Yeah, Karate was influenced by the Chinese, but that doesn't make it Karate. And that doesn't make a movie about Karate. And learning Kung Fu doesn't make someone a Karate Kid. That makes them a Kung Fu Kid. And Jaden Smith is going to learn Chinese. 

Is this a really bad idea? Yeah. 1984's Karate Kid wasn't a revered work of art by any stretch of the imagination, but that doesn't mean it deserves its good name sullied by the High School Musical generation. It bugs me greatly to know that Jaden Smith said he wanted to do this, and it's happening, too. Shouldn't there be more hoops than that to go through when remaking a concrete cult classic? 

 - Eric T. Voigt, This Is a Long Drive for Someone with Nothing to Think About Is Still a Great Album

The Edge of Heaven: Lesbians!

Don't be fooled by this article's title. The Edge of Heaven isn't only about lesbians. It's also about prostitution, child murderers, substance abuse, and women's prisons. It's also also about redemption, second chances, and staying true to thine self. 

The Edge of Heaven paints portraits of regret, death, and hope. Told in three parts, Yeter's Death, Lotte's Death and The Edge of Heaven, the film weaves between three families lives as they intersect and grow apart; help and hurt one another. A proud father loses all respect from his son after an accidental murder. A mother wishes desperately to get back in touch with her politically radical daughter. A daughter disobeys her mothers best wishes in the name of love. They are stories of human nature at its best and saddest. They are stories in a great film.

The reason I paid Edge of Heaven any mind was finding out Fatih Akin, the Turkish-German director, was taking part in the series of shorts in upcoming New York, I Love You. I wanted to know which directors were considered interesting for me by Netflix's careful analysis. His films came up as four stars worthy, and Edge of Heaven happened to be available to watch instantly. So I did. 

I'm finding that I like the different-chapters-for-different-stories approach to storytelling in films lately. My best examples of this method are Amores Perros, Babel and Citizen Dog. Not that examples help me understand what I like about this method. It feels like it enriches the story somehow. It gives time to make connections, and understand the deeper impacts the characters are all having on one another. Whatever it is that appeals to me, it appeals to me in a big way. 

All the characters are bilingual at the least. I think two are trilingual. They need to be, as their stories unfold in both Germany and Turkey. Its really satisfying to hear people in the movies know how to speak other languages when you yourself only know the most base of high school French. It gives me faith that everyone in the world will be able to understand me, and I can sit back and do nothing. Plus, it stimulates your mind to know more than one language. I like watching characters with stimulated minds. 

Knowing more than one language is a minor plus for the characters. The passion they put into their roles is what strikes me the most. I never realize how important it is for an actor to make you believe in their role until I see a dreadfully unrealistic performance, or a stunning, moving, feels like I'm watching a documentary caliber performance. Edge of Heaven has the latter, six characters strong not including the supporting cast. 

Camera work is strong, too. Very strong. Shallow focus keeps cropping up in amazing movies, and my affinity for a nice crisp clear view of everything in the frame is waning. And the lighting. The lighting in this film, I tell ya. The director of photography Rainer Klausmann knows how to enhance an emotion or two, I can assure you. He's worked on at least one other Akin film, Head-On, and I look forward to that for to see his and Akin's glorious teamwork in action yet again.

Fatih Akin is an actor, too? Look at the Renaissance man over there. Alright, I've covered my bases for Edge of Heaven. Worth seeing for everything and the lesbians. 

 - Eric T. Voigt, Now I'm Listening to Electrelane!

Adorable News: The Director of Twilight Doesn't Want to Direct Twilight

I don't want to direct Eclipse either, sweetie. Film news hath no fury like the news of a film scorned. 

Catherine Hardwicke got booted from the Twilight series, despite rave reviews from pre-pubescent, adolescent, teenage girls and sexually repressed housewives the nation over, and even into Canada, so setting the field for any other young director to take their stab at the guaranteed box office hittery of the next Twilight movies. Many names appeared in connection to the second sequel Eclipse: Drew Barrymore, since she's apparently a director now, and El Orfanato's Juan Antonio Bayona most prominently. But they weren't really going to direct it. That was just for fun. David Slade is really going to direct it. But he doesn't want to.

New Moon gets an excitable American Pie director, and Eclipse is getting a director who has experience with a vampire film that didn't suck, and wasn't based on something that sucked. Slade is going from Hard Candy and 30 Days of Night to a branch of Twilight. What, does he need money? Apparently he does, because he hated the very idea of Twilight. His quote circulating around the ol' webamajig says...

Twilight drunk? No, not even drunk. Twilight on acid? No, not even on acid. Twilight at gun point? Just shoot me.

... in response to the proposition of seeing the first film in theatres. And now he's going to direct that film's second sequel. Because he's one of those self-loathing directors. He picks projects he knows he won't enjoy after giving himself a fair amount of credibility with his earlier films. It's clearly destructive behavior. He's going directly against his gut taking the helm on this project. I'm hoping he will be severely judged for this. 

Now, it would have been cool if he could have at least stuck to his text. But Slade is probably committing perjury by not retracting his first statement, but by glossing over it entirely, stating he has become a Twilight convert, a man saved by the light of 'Mormon' Meyer. It's not true perjury, because he isn't on trial, he hasn't been sworn in on any oath, but the judging eyes of every Twilight fangirl upon him is enough for me to accuse Slade of much worse for making these claims:

When I made these comments I had neither seen the film nor read the books...

Of course, I have since seen the movie and read the books and was quickly consumed with the rich storytelling and the beautifully honest characters that Stephanie Meyer created.

I would like to reassure everyone involved that I am invested in making the best film that I am humanly capable of, and that I am acutely aware of the power of the original books we serve.

Did Summit Entertainment slip a Yerk into his ear? Have the Body Snatchers targeted everyone working under the Twilight umbrella? Mormon voodoo, perhaps? Because I find it extremely hard to believe a 40-year-old British man, known to have directed music videos for Aphex Twin and Muse, and responsible for the darkest, most terrifying vampire movie I've ever seen, honestly believes Stephanie Meyer's Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are "beautifully honest", and the source material has anything remotely close to "rich storytelling". I mean, there's even rumor that Pattinson and Stewart asked for better dialogue, because it was too close to the drivel in books. 

This grew to be a bit longer that I intended it to. My point is I sincerely doubt David Slade gives a shit about Eclipse. The studio probably approached him, and once swayed by the idea of all the cash that'll be rolling his way, especially in residuals, he jumped on board. Eclipse is like a watered and vinegar'd down version of 30 Days of Night minus basically everything else that made that movie worth watching. And David Slade is directing it. Boggled is my mind.

 - Eric T. Voigt, Listened to Frog Eyes and Black Mountain During This Article's Conception

The Music of Z

Alex, Kevin, and I went to Music Box Theatre and watched Costa-Gavras' political thriller masterpiece Z in honor of its fortieth anniversary. It was incredible. There wasn't a character I didn't like. The constantly moving camera was pleasing in a way I can't put my aesthetic finger on. The story itself, based on a true assassination, is as gripping and compelling as real life can get. Urging the audience to notice the intentional comparisons to existing public figures, and the statement that all similarities between them are entirely un-coincidental was a hilarious and chilling way to start the film. Basically, it was awesome. 

I want to touch on the music, though. It's composed by Mikis Theodorakis. It's fast, it's exciting, and it fits perfectly for the mood of the film. I just found the soundtrack online and I think I'm going to buy it. I think everyone should buy it. I think I'll provide a link to the digital download for it. See Z. Listen to Z. Everything for Z.

Z Soundtrack

Three Minutes and Twelve Seconds: Tetro

I'm under a few impressions. I used to be under the impression that watching clips of films before the films are released was blasphemous. And then The Brothers Bloom allowed seven minutes of film to be seen. Which I thought was fine, because it's from the very start of the film, and why not watch that? So, I am under the impression that seeing the beginning of a movie before you can see the rest of it is fine. 

Another impression I'm impressed with is when a film is trying to sell itself, it should have a foundation upon which it is sold by. With the very beginning of Tetro there's a brief shot of Vincent Gallo, who I dislike deeply on a personal level, an opening credit sequence that takes up most of the clip, and then a series of long shots of the lead arriving in Buenos Aires. And then it ends. Without getting into anything. Why did Francis Ford Coppola give us that?

I'm upset for Francis Ford. I think he made four amazing films in the 70s, and then hit a bad luck streak lasting him three decades. I'm reading that this could be his return to form, after thirty odd years, and I can't help but disagree, despite wanting not to. The acting seems hacked. Black-and-white cinematography in this fashion feels overly glossy to me, and all the wide angles and the dialogue... I don't know. It could be good, but I feel very meh for it from what little I've bore witness to. Here. Here. Just take these:

The Opening Credit Sequence of Tetro

Tetro Trailer

Do with them what you will.

 - Eric T. Voigt, Not Fond of Tetro... Yet

Christopher Nolan's Inception: A Cast Too Good Not to Update Every Single Week

Show of hands from the people in the audience who didn't like The Dark Knight. Come on, don't be shy. Oh! Right. I'm sorry. I forgot no one reads this. Well, rhetorically, who didn't like The Dark Knight? Just slashfilm's Brendon Connelly? Yeah, I thought so. Another show of hands for who isn't excited to see Christopher Nolan's next film. See, this one works perfectly, because there aren't any hands to be shown anyway, meaning you're all excited to see Christopher Nolan's next film, which is Inception, scheduled for a 2010 release. 

If Nolan has taught the world anything it's that he knows how to write and direct a film. To a lesser degree he's proven he knows how to cast a film excellently. Marvelously. Magically, if I have to be bold. Slashfilm knows this, so they've proceeded to keep people up to date to the very minute on who will be filling the credit sequences for Inception. They do this with good cause. The cast looks like it's going to rock you, and won't stop rocking you, and you'll get to the point where you'll wonder if the rock will ever stop, and you'll start shifting in your seat during the movie to get further away from the rock, but the rock will pull you in, and you'll squeal and squirm away, but the cast won't stop, they're relentless, and the rocking will commence for near 2 hours by normal runtime standards. Digressing, take a gander at the talent:

Leonardo DiCaprio stars as the frontman for Inception. Has Little Leo, as I call him around the office, ever been in a bad film? A mediocre film, maybe, but a bad one? And Christopher Nolan certainly hasn't helmed anything I wouldn't watch, so the fusion of a consistently good lead with a consistently sexy director can't help but be good and sexy.

Marion Cotillard is in on this, too. I'm looking for alluring pictures for all the actors, and trust me, Marion Cotillard has far more alluring pictures out there than this. I'm trying to keep On the Matter out of the realm of pornography. For no good reason, really. Her body is beside the point, aside from the point that her body will be starring as DiCaprio's wife in Inception. She's in A Very Long Engagement, and you don't get much better than being in A Very Long Engagement, I can tell you that.

Michael Caine wasn't sure he was getting a role in the movie, and one has to ask "why the fuck not?" He's Alfred. He's the Ace of Magicianry. He even played Scrooge in A Muppet Christmas Carol. You can't leave him out of this. They tried to leave him out of this. Look at that picture. Can you think of anything more badass than that? Not anything more badass and born on March 14th, 1933 you can't. Just stop.

Ellen Page... oh, Ellen Page. You were really good in Hard Candy. You can be really good in this. DiCaprio's sidekick? That's who you play in this? Yeah, you can pull that off. Leaving behind everything obnoxious you've done in your most contemporary roles you'll be great. Just... just don't screw this one up.

I have a Brody complex with Joseph Gordon-Levitt. So I have a Brody Gordon-Levitt Complex. What this complex entails is such a deep affinity for the actor that even in the most mediocre of films they will shine like a beacon to me. Except in Stop-Loss. Uck. Stop-Loss. Ever since "Third Rock From the Sun" he has been my dreamboat. He's in Brick. That film equals the tops. He has a supporting role, but I'll get an eyeful of his leading prowess in 500 Days of Summer.

Cillian! Shouting that name is like shouting the greatest name in the world. Live it. The star of 28 Days Later in a Christopher Nolan film? The man who fought off a million zombies in a Christopher Nolan film? Hell yes I'd like another serving of that on my plate. Thank you, I would like you to replace the fork I just dropped. 

Probably the sexiest picture I've found yet, and probably the most Asian picture I've found yet, and probably the most Last Samurai'd picture I've found yet. Ken Watanabe. Of Batman Begins previously, Ken Watanabe will surely return as another kind of menacing looking villain. I don't know how, though. Look how gentle he is with that small dog, and that larger dog. 

I don't even know who this is, but he's in it. The name is Tom Hardy. Good for him.

This film is shaping up to be aaaaaaawwwwwwwweeeeeesssssssoooooooommmmmmmmeeeeee. 

 - Eric T. Voigt, Aaaaawwwwwweeeeeesssssssoooooommmmmmeeee

Alex and Eric Hate Trailers: Episode 3 (The One Where A Fight Broke Out)

Trailer time! Trailer time! Trailer time? Trailer time! Apple trailers. Again. As always. 

District 9

Alex: Well, and how. That looks really good. It's the year for sci-fi, is it not?

Eric: Not it is.

Alex: For someone who knows nothing about the project prior to seeing the trailer the "they are not human" line must be super cool. Hell, it's still super cool even though I know about the aliens. Yeah!

Eric: Yeah, this'll be pretty cool. Like, I know it's a really blatant race relations commentary and all, but it's a very interesting way to address it. 

Alex: Those are some of the most realistic looking graphics I've ever seen. Neill Blomkamp does all the graphic work himself with a team behind him, and I must say he's honed the craft to a perfection. The lighting in the interview scene is fucking awesome.

Eric: I'm just really glad the studio is keeping it documentary oriented. 

Alex: I don't think Blomkamp would have it any other way. Excited! Alright, moving on?

(Alex: I don't want to do Adam or Post-Grad. They're too terrible to review.

Eric: Mmm.)

(The) Hangover

Eric: Oh, it's THE Hangover?

Alex: Yeah.

Eric: I think every single film blog, no, not really, but film blogs that I know and respect are claiming this is going to be the most hilarious film of the summer. And they're idiots. This looks awful! Awful! How... how can anyone say this looks like a good thing, as a whole? Zach Galifianakis looks like the only good part, and even then not so much.

Alex: Best parts of the trailer... what did we both collectively giggle at?

Eric: The Holocaust ring.

Alex: Oh yeah. And the part with Rob Riggle and Zach Galifianakis. Only good parts. The rest looks really badly written. "Paging Doctor Douchebag!" HAHAHA. Stupid. 

Eric: Yeah. Yeah.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Alex: We're gonna do the newest trailer. 

Eric: Cause it matters.

Alex: Well, YYYYEEEEEAAAAAH! It looks great. Cinematography. MMM. The colors. The improved acting. The most everything yeah. Good.

Eric: Wow. That was intelligent. Yeah, it looks like probably the best one yet. I'm glad they finally-

Alex: -got into the swing of things?

Eric: This director actually understands the tone, and the world he's working within the confines of. This guy, Peter Yates? 

Alex: David Yates.

Eric: He and Alfonso Cuaron are the best things to happen to the series of films. 

Alex: For sures. 

Eric: I'm fairly pumped for it.

Alex: Agreed tenfold.

Little Ashes

Eric: Massively uninspired biopic. 

Alex: (groan) Robert Pattinson's face at the end is hilARIous. And what's with the music? 

Eric: The music and the voiceover make this even harder to take seriously.

Alex: The opening had me until the music.

Eric: Uh, yeah, it's a pretty cool series of shots, but when it gets going it's really something entirely un-special.

Alex: Totally and super... yeah. You know the Twilight freaks are going to masturbate all over the gay love scenes with Robert Pattinson. And that's silly.

Eric: I wonder if they'll even dare masturbate to something this bad. It just looks boring. 

Moon

Alex: Moony Moony Moon. Looks superb. In so many facets of the word. The filters on the cinematography gave it such a cool texture, such a... you know. Classic feel. Retro sci-fi. Sort of glowy. It's awesome.

Eric: I already got all school girl giddy about this earlier, and I remain school girl giddy. For some reason me and Miles started pitting Moon against District 9, even though those aren't really competitors, aside from the sci-fi aspects, but Moon wins out again and again for me. Cannot wait to see it.

Alex: Even though I've heard lots of possible explanations for the plot I'm still sure it'll throw plenty of surprises at me, and I'm just as intrigued as the first time I saw the trailer. And Sam Rockwell rocks. 

Eric: Always a charmer. I don't give a shit about the potential plot points. I just need to see it.

Paper Heart

Eric: This is gonna be sooooo cute. I think I want to see it. 

Alex: I do.

Eric: I like that it's a... not a mockumentary, but not a documentary, but a bit of both, but also something else. 

Alex: I'm sure the interviews with the people about their relationships are all real.

Eric: No, it is. I read an interview.

Alex: Oh.

Eric: Yeah. Cute. I'll see it. Michael Cera.

Ante Up

(Alex and Eric proceed to quote the trailer the entire time)

Alex: This is our newest favorite worst trailer ever, on top of After Last Season. This one's more straight up bad and less straight up befuddling. It looks just awful. And the quote used on the poster says "Hilarious! - Director's Mom". That's just perfect.

Eric: At least it's given us laughter. That's all we really need in life anyway. So that makes this a good movie. Right? 

Alex: It doesn't look as horrendous as Troll 2, but I don't know. I might enjoy seeing it for its awfulness.

Eric: I'm definitely going to try renting it. 

Alex: What is up with the lead actor's voice? "Guys, let's go. I'm not lying this time, seriously!" It's awful.

Eric: Someone stuck a fist in his throat. And it's just there. Rotting.

Il Divo

Eric: I like the trailer. I think this is going to be an example of style over substance, honestly.

Alex: Rrrreally? 

Eric: Yeah. Yeah, really. There's only so much you can do with the same sad old face over and over again with gunfire and explosions happening on his behalf. It looks like it's just going to be lots of action, and slight humor because of who's responsible. Meh.

Alex: Do you not know the story of Giulo Andreotti?

Eric: No, I don't, but that doesn't have anything to do with what the film ABOUT the story will be like.

Alex: I'm intrigued. It's a great story. 

(a fight breaks out)

Alex: Whatever! We're moving on!

The Brothers Bloom

Alex: What's with the cheering at the end? That's weird, I've never noticed that. Huzzah The Brothers Bloom! Looks great. Cinematography and acting and story and all. Fun and exciting. Easy on the eyes. Makes me want to smile. I can't wait to see it. 

Eric: Ever since I saw Rinko Kikuchi's adorable pubic hair in Babel I've wanted to see what else she can do. This has a great cast. Great cast. I love Rian Johnson's Brick and I can't help but be positive I'll feel the same or stronger for this. Huzzah indeed. We've talked about this a lot, so...

Alex: Move on. To IN A DREEEEAM!

In A Dream

Eric: Glorious. Looks like one of the best things to look at this year. Story is really interesting, really personal. Wanna see. 

Alex: My GOD the cinematography. I don't know, it just looks so good. I've been anticipating this one super hard. Like, really really hard anticipation for me on this one. Yeah. And the music. The music is just great. And the fact that it's his son doing the documentary about his mom and dad. I don't know, there's something really intriguing about that. Like he's delving into a deeper part of what makes him him. And I think that'll make the film that much more interesting. 

Eric: Yeah, yeah, it looks nice.

Alex: Yeah, it came out last week. Probably not here though.

Eric: We should check.

Alex: I'm checking right now. 

(And it wasn't. But it was in St. Louis soon)

Rudo y Cursi

Alex: Looks like great phenomenal fun. I can't wait to see what the other talent in the Cuaron family has to offer.

Eric: With the three best Mexican filmmakers producing you you better be fucking good. And it looks like it'll meet expectations from me. Which are high. Those two are great actors. The story is a cute one. I think this is going to be real nice.

Alex:  Yeah, I'm really excited. 

The Informers

Alex: Do we have to do this?

Eric: Please? For me?

Alex: Okay.

Eric: To fully capture everything wrong about the 80s in one film takes talent. It was shot on pure 80s. It's like... it's like the 80s came back for revenge, and this is it.

Alex: What an awful template to set a movie in. The kitsch of the 80s. The banality of the aesthetic that dominated that decade is just the worst place to start for any form of art.

Eric: Back when art wasn't art.

Alex: That's right. This looks awful, and I'm supremely supremely disappointed that such talented actors and actresses, such as Mickey Rourke, Winona Ryder-

Eric: You talkin' about Billy Bob Thorton?

Alex: No... yeah. 

Eric: Sure you get to see Amber Heard's tits, but... do you want to?

Alex: Not in the 80s. Please not in the 80s. Lets move on.

Where the Wild Things Are

Alex: I'm putting this in 720p. Oh yeah. (trailer plays) Eeeeeeep! Eeeeep! This is the... hundredth time I've seen this trailer? I can't get over it. It's perfect. Every aspect of this film ensures its greatness. From the writing, to the directing, to the acting and the music, there's not one speck of this film that doesn't reek of glorious beauty, and this is probably the most anticipated film of my life. I could not be any more excited.

Eric: This looks like the worst. This is gonna suck. Oh my god. Spike Jonze? Didn't he do Eternal Sunshine or some shit? Yeah. This is maybe the least inventive, most poorly shot-

Alex: Will you just be real?

Eric: This is going to kick as much ass as a film can possibly kick. Definitely most anticipated film of the year for me directly after Fantastic Mr. Fox, because, come on, Wes Anderson gets my rocks off every time. But no, seriously, this is going to be amazing.

Alex: I can't believe we haven't said anything about it already. There was a collective squeal amongst our brethren when this trailer premiered online, and there's been a collective excitement since the very first news of it reached our ears, so WE can't wait, and the world shouldn't be able to wait either.

Eric: Kick ass. Kick ass!

Alex: Alright. Goodbye.