Sunday, January 18, 2009

Armond White

Ahhhhh, Armond White. Just recently, Kevin sent me a link to Armond White's year-end list that was so baffling in its phony intellectual absurdity, so bemusing in its unbalanced presumptions based on such little concrete detail, so frustratingly constructed as some sort of "out-of-the-mainstream-'non-artsy'-film-critic-year-end-list" in such a pandering, inconsistent manner, I felt compelled to write a large post dedicated to removing the false pedestals holding up Armond's pitiful excuse for a career as a film critic. After posting this, I will e-mail it to him repeatedly until I get a response.

I read some more reviews of his. My hate festered. His review of The Wrestler was slop. He referred to the main character, played by Mickey Rourke, as "Ram Jam" throughout the entire assesment. This is pathetic. "Ram Jam" is the name of Rourke's signature move in the film, not one of his names or nicknames (The Ram, Randy, Robin). Was he actually watching the movie? Or was he too busy glossing over the screen with re-imagined images from "Transporter 3"? (Which, by the way, he commended as the best film of 2008. Seriously.) 

I couldn't believe it. Is this man truly touting himself as "controversial" and "the only film critic willing to go against the grain"? Honestly? C'mon, Armond! There has to be some satire behind this! Please?

But it isn't. His idea of controversy is simply selecting the most disliked, sloppy films of the year, and dangling them above the better movies in some sick, ceremonial, badly written dance. His reasoning behind disliking such technically and emotionally superior films is usually culminated in a one sentence squalor, lashing out at the movie's supposed "negativity" and "cynicism" compared to his favorite's much more "lighthearted" and "uplifting" look on life. What a poor way to assess films. Their happiness meter? If a movie gets to be even remotely depressing, does Armond run out of the theater, eyes filled with tears and guns blazing, ready to type up another gem? What a despicable and immature method to film reviewing. Unacceptable.

Now to address the man himself. Armond White, you are a phony. Can you even make a complete sentence out of your own deranged scribbling? Your writing, in all its post-auteuristic flourishes, is but a reflection of your own auto-fellative hubris. You seem little more than a sterile, self-important buffoon with a highly decomposed sense of cinema, surely picked apart by your vapid brand of pseudo-intellectualism. You are a parody. A working joke. Someone who values the appearance of knowledge more than the possession of it. Someone who fawns over the idea of becoming a wise man, but is just as content gluing on a beard and posing on a boulder. Your despotic, blathering commentary is an impediment to cinema. A blight upon the face of intellectual artistic criticism. You deserve to be fired. With fire. Literally set on fire. Doused with kerosene, then set aflame. Like the raging imbecile that you are, sent scorching into the night, a human torch, until your remains are ash, and your filthy, useless tongue reduced to dust beneath my feet. You, sir, are an utter travesty.


  1. I found the list. And here is what I thought:

    "Abortionhorny"? That's offensive, right? Like... how is that not offensive? I haven't seen Happy-Go-Lucky, but HAVE seen the abortionhorny Romanian drama, and well, it was one of my favorites of 2007. Sad or not, it's great.

    "Transporter 3 BETTER THAN The Dark Knight" because of "Knight"'s nihilistic attitude? What? Not only is "The Dark Knight" not nihilistic, upholding all sorts of good American ideals, "Transporter 3" is nihilistic. It doesn't believe in anything, Lebowski. It's just a action-packed action pack. White is really starting to dig under my skin.

    Although I do like his comparison of "Slumdog Millionaire" to Dickens, I despise the man for saying that godawful looking Guy Ritchie film is on the same level as, let alone better than, "Slumdog". I'm almost positive by this point that if a film has a shred of human emotion in it, he decides to find something to repress his own.

    "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" over "Iron Man". I didn't see "Iron Man", but I did see a midnight screening of "Crystal Skull". It's a laughable parody of "Raiders of the Lost Ark", filmed through what appears to be a filter of smog, and with a story that I could have written when I was dead.

    "Man on a Wire" is the best documentary I've ever seen about a man trying to tight-rope walk between the World Trade Centers. And believe you me, I've seen quite a few in my day.

    Okay, "Let the Right One In" is a "J-Horror rip off"?! Do any of you see a blue little boy meowing, or crawling out of a well? No. You see a sweet, 200 year old girl becoming friends with a little blonde outcast. Little-y. One of my favorite movies of the year said to be worse than "Twilight"? "Twilight"!? This man... no, this swine, is one of the worst people I've ever read.

    "Synecdoche, New York" was the best film of 2008. He couldn't even find a film worth comparing it to. "Cadillac Records" has a nice hard Brody in it, which I don't mind, but when it's sharing ground with "Synecdoche", I demand bloodshed.

    Two Gus Van Sant bashes in one list? Not hard to understand, noticing this about the last sentence: "the latest yawn of liberal self selfrighteousness."

    Armond White is more than an utter travesty. He is an utter travesty OF an utter travesty. Eh? Clever, right? Ugh. This man sucks.

    - Eric T. Voigt, Mad As Hell

  2. For reference: