Saturday, April 4, 2009

Kristen Stewart and the Mystery of the Disappearing Pants

I know you have headaches. We all have headaches, honey.

Kristen Stewart is the talk of the town. Getting her foot in the door with the incomprehensibly popular Twilight, her bland, confused personality has burst into our households. She has about as many credits on talk shows as she does film credit, most of which took place over 2008. Of the released eighteen movies she stars in, a number which baffles me, I've only seen her performance in five of them: Panic Room,  Speak, Into The Wild, Twilight, and just last night Adventureland

She never has much screen presence, and I wouldn't consider her an even mediocre actress, but she does have one thing going for her. Kristen Stewart has the power to make her pants disappear at a moments notice, in any social situation. She doesn't even have to be asked. Allow me to cite proof for this conclusion.

I don't actually remember her performance in Panic Room, so I can't speak for her pantlessness/amount of pants retained in that film. I can speak for her loss of pants in Speak, though. In the made-for-Lifetime movie Speak, based on an bestselling novel, Kristen Stewart is a fourteen-year-old dealing with having been raped the previous year, and the entire school knowing about it. The rape scene shows her falling into the arms of a bro-ish type who is deaf, and doesn't know she's trying to resist his sexual advances. She quickly realizes he is deaf, and physically fights back, but the deaf boy is too into the moment, and proceeds to wrench Stewart's virginity straight out of her. 

During the rape, which is shot with a claustrophobia-inducing closeness to the violence, Kristen Stewart's pants vanish. Now, this was the third time I'd witnessed the event, so I wasn't startled. But they were gone. And I hadn't noticed the point at which they were taken off. 

Into the Wild is the clearest display of Stewart's powers. When Emile Hirsch arrives in her hippie trailer, her jeans have been strewn to the floor, and she lies seductively, or as close to seductively as she can muster, white panties on display to all the world. The poor minor's efforts to win Hirsch into her bed are futile, and her abilities prove useless in this venture. Hirsch knows better than to get mixed up with an under-eighteener, let alone one as gaunt and clueless as Kristen Stewart. 

Now comes Twilight, the film Stewart is known for, and probably the only film she'll be known for. I'm not entirely sure she's pantless. I mean, I'm almost positive she wasn't wearing pants, but they could have been really short shorts, or something similar in style. Okay. I just checked on YouTube. She's definitely not wearing pants, in the first sequence where Edward Cullen allows Bella to take a hit of his sweet vampire lips. Greyish briefs. Which I'm sure violates the book's logic. A pantless Bella in front of Edward Cullen? No way is she getting out of there alive. 

The point of this post is to point out that Kristen Stewart is pantless. A lot. Sometimes inexplicably. Sometimes with reason. Inexplicable reason. Even in Adventureland she de-pants for a swim with Jesse Eisenberg. And she's completely wet in that scene. Taking her no-pants to an entirely new level. It is my hope that Stewart fails to gain any actual respect as an actress, but continues to push her legacy of disappearing pants forward. For the good of her legs. Legs don't like being crammed into stuffy pants all the time. She knows this best.

 - Eric T. Voigt, Just Wasted Away His Chance At Grabbing Lunch


  1. My pants disappeared while I was reading this.

  2. LOL WOW I hope this is a joke. She was raped by a deaf guy? I believe the medical term for a man taking advantage of someone who is practically still a kid is called a "douche bag."

    But LOL. Yes, she does seem to have a severe lack of pantage.