Wednesday, May 13, 2009

News: McG Concedes, Has Small Penis

When big Hollywood director types get their egos bruised, or worry their franchise isn't going to fare well against another franchise, it is customary for the weaker director to call out the dominant director in front of the rest of the tribe and suggest a battle of something entirely unrelated to film. Michael Bay, one of the most well fed directors in Hollywoodland and bearing the shiniest pelt, is often met with these challenges. 

The first instance of a tribunal Michael Bay call-out was when Uwe Boll, a bottom-feeder, weak, bones showing through his graying skin, demanded the heavier director face off in a duel of knuckles and fingers. Boll lashed out at Bay in this manner after insulting the greater publicly, and then feeling unappreciated when Bay proclaimed "When you ask 'do I care'? Not in the slightest". Uwe thought boxing was the best way to resolve his jealousy and anger, but the two never set foot in a ring, and the lesser continued to make video game adaptations no one ever wanted to see. 

The second instance occurred more recently, and on a greater, better publicized scale. A young upstart director, coming off of his Christian Bale-wrangling high, knowing no man could shorten their name as expertly as he, or gotten such a strong performance out of Lucy Liu's posterior in Charlie's Angels, felt rightfully cocky when he challenged Michael Bay to expose his penis to him. McG assured others he would also reveal his own penis, and the two would measure their penises in order to settle which director would make more money off their franchises, McG's Terminator and Bay's Transformers

Bay may have provoked the sharp-haired youngling when he exclaimed his robots were bigger than McG's robots, and assumed the bigger the robot, the more viewers there would have to be to see all that metal, giving him a greater pull at the box-office. It makes sense that McG would counter this with a more personal challenge of girth and length, but done in such a braggartish way many people were taken aback, very much including the vultures and hyenas of the Hollyworld: the bloggers. 

Either McG realized this competition was in poor taste, got sick of people joking about his penis having to be smaller than that of a Michael Bay, or became too worried he would definitely have to take this challenge all the way, but the vernal and tenderfooted director retracted his challenge against the senior-most film man. 

The rules of dick-measuring is clear, and McG will indeed have to remove this appendage in a timely manner. This is bound to be one of those stories we pass on to our grandchildren, and grandchildren's step-children, teaching them of the consequences of making dumb jokes, and to keep their penises to themselves.

 - Eric T. Voigt, Good Morals


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