Trailer time! Trailer time! Trailer time? Trailer time! Apple trailers. Again. As always.
Alex: Well, and how. That looks really good. It's the year for sci-fi, is it not?
Eric: Not it is.
Alex: For someone who knows nothing about the project prior to seeing the trailer the "they are not human" line must be super cool. Hell, it's still super cool even though I know about the aliens. Yeah!
Eric: Yeah, this'll be pretty cool. Like, I know it's a really blatant race relations commentary and all, but it's a very interesting way to address it.
Alex: Those are some of the most realistic looking graphics I've ever seen. Neill Blomkamp does all the graphic work himself with a team behind him, and I must say he's honed the craft to a perfection. The lighting in the interview scene is fucking awesome.
Eric: I'm just really glad the studio is keeping it documentary oriented.
Alex: I don't think Blomkamp would have it any other way. Excited! Alright, moving on?
(Alex: I don't want to do Adam or Post-Grad. They're too terrible to review.
Eric: Mmm.)
Eric: Oh, it's THE Hangover?
Alex: Yeah.
Eric: I think every single film blog, no, not really, but film blogs that I know and respect are claiming this is going to be the most hilarious film of the summer. And they're idiots. This looks awful! Awful! How... how can anyone say this looks like a good thing, as a whole? Zach Galifianakis looks like the only good part, and even then not so much.
Alex: Best parts of the trailer... what did we both collectively giggle at?
Eric: The Holocaust ring.
Alex: Oh yeah. And the part with Rob Riggle and Zach Galifianakis. Only good parts. The rest looks really badly written. "Paging Doctor Douchebag!" HAHAHA. Stupid.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah.
Alex: We're gonna do the newest trailer.
Eric: Cause it matters.
Alex: Well, YYYYEEEEEAAAAAH! It looks great. Cinematography. MMM. The colors. The improved acting. The most everything yeah. Good.
Eric: Wow. That was intelligent. Yeah, it looks like probably the best one yet. I'm glad they finally-
Alex: -got into the swing of things?
Eric: This director actually understands the tone, and the world he's working within the confines of. This guy, Peter Yates?
Alex: David Yates.
Eric: He and Alfonso Cuaron are the best things to happen to the series of films.
Alex: For sures.
Eric: I'm fairly pumped for it.
Alex: Agreed tenfold.
Eric: Massively uninspired biopic.
Alex: (groan) Robert Pattinson's face at the end is hilARIous. And what's with the music?
Eric: The music and the voiceover make this even harder to take seriously.
Alex: The opening had me until the music.
Eric: Uh, yeah, it's a pretty cool series of shots, but when it gets going it's really something entirely un-special.
Alex: Totally and super... yeah. You know the Twilight freaks are going to masturbate all over the gay love scenes with Robert Pattinson. And that's silly.
Eric: I wonder if they'll even dare masturbate to something this bad. It just looks boring.
Alex: Moony Moony Moon. Looks superb. In so many facets of the word. The filters on the cinematography gave it such a cool texture, such a... you know. Classic feel. Retro sci-fi. Sort of glowy. It's awesome.
Eric: I already got all school girl giddy about this earlier, and I remain school girl giddy. For some reason me and Miles started pitting Moon against District 9, even though those aren't really competitors, aside from the sci-fi aspects, but Moon wins out again and again for me. Cannot wait to see it.
Alex: Even though I've heard lots of possible explanations for the plot I'm still sure it'll throw plenty of surprises at me, and I'm just as intrigued as the first time I saw the trailer. And Sam Rockwell rocks.
Eric: Always a charmer. I don't give a shit about the potential plot points. I just need to see it.
Eric: This is gonna be sooooo cute. I think I want to see it.
Alex: I do.
Eric: I like that it's a... not a mockumentary, but not a documentary, but a bit of both, but also something else.
Alex: I'm sure the interviews with the people about their relationships are all real.
Eric: No, it is. I read an interview.
Alex: Oh.
Eric: Yeah. Cute. I'll see it. Michael Cera.
(Alex and Eric proceed to quote the trailer the entire time)
Alex: This is our newest favorite worst trailer ever, on top of After Last Season. This one's more straight up bad and less straight up befuddling. It looks just awful. And the quote used on the poster says "Hilarious! - Director's Mom". That's just perfect.
Eric: At least it's given us laughter. That's all we really need in life anyway. So that makes this a good movie. Right?
Alex: It doesn't look as horrendous as Troll 2, but I don't know. I might enjoy seeing it for its awfulness.
Eric: I'm definitely going to try renting it.
Alex: What is up with the lead actor's voice? "Guys, let's go. I'm not lying this time, seriously!" It's awful.
Eric: Someone stuck a fist in his throat. And it's just there. Rotting.
Eric: I like the trailer. I think this is going to be an example of style over substance, honestly.
Alex: Rrrreally?
Eric: Yeah. Yeah, really. There's only so much you can do with the same sad old face over and over again with gunfire and explosions happening on his behalf. It looks like it's just going to be lots of action, and slight humor because of who's responsible. Meh.
Alex: Do you not know the story of Giulo Andreotti?
Eric: No, I don't, but that doesn't have anything to do with what the film ABOUT the story will be like.
Alex: I'm intrigued. It's a great story.
(a fight breaks out)
Alex: Whatever! We're moving on!
Alex: What's with the cheering at the end? That's weird, I've never noticed that. Huzzah The Brothers Bloom! Looks great. Cinematography and acting and story and all. Fun and exciting. Easy on the eyes. Makes me want to smile. I can't wait to see it.
Eric: Ever since I saw Rinko Kikuchi's adorable pubic hair in Babel I've wanted to see what else she can do. This has a great cast. Great cast. I love Rian Johnson's Brick and I can't help but be positive I'll feel the same or stronger for this. Huzzah indeed. We've talked about this a lot, so...
Alex: Move on. To IN A DREEEEAM!
Eric: Glorious. Looks like one of the best things to look at this year. Story is really interesting, really personal. Wanna see.
Alex: My GOD the cinematography. I don't know, it just looks so good. I've been anticipating this one super hard. Like, really really hard anticipation for me on this one. Yeah. And the music. The music is just great. And the fact that it's his son doing the documentary about his mom and dad. I don't know, there's something really intriguing about that. Like he's delving into a deeper part of what makes him him. And I think that'll make the film that much more interesting.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, it looks nice.
Alex: Yeah, it came out last week. Probably not here though.
Eric: We should check.
Alex: I'm checking right now.
(And it wasn't. But it was in St. Louis soon)
Alex: Looks like great phenomenal fun. I can't wait to see what the other talent in the Cuaron family has to offer.
Eric: With the three best Mexican filmmakers producing you you better be fucking good. And it looks like it'll meet expectations from me. Which are high. Those two are great actors. The story is a cute one. I think this is going to be real nice.
Alex: Yeah, I'm really excited.
Alex: Do we have to do this?
Eric: Please? For me?
Alex: Okay.
Eric: To fully capture everything wrong about the 80s in one film takes talent. It was shot on pure 80s. It's like... it's like the 80s came back for revenge, and this is it.
Alex: What an awful template to set a movie in. The kitsch of the 80s. The banality of the aesthetic that dominated that decade is just the worst place to start for any form of art.
Eric: Back when art wasn't art.
Alex: That's right. This looks awful, and I'm supremely supremely disappointed that such talented actors and actresses, such as Mickey Rourke, Winona Ryder-
Eric: You talkin' about Billy Bob Thorton?
Alex: No... yeah.
Eric: Sure you get to see Amber Heard's tits, but... do you want to?
Alex: Not in the 80s. Please not in the 80s. Lets move on.
Alex: I'm putting this in 720p. Oh yeah. (trailer plays) Eeeeeeep! Eeeeep! This is the... hundredth time I've seen this trailer? I can't get over it. It's perfect. Every aspect of this film ensures its greatness. From the writing, to the directing, to the acting and the music, there's not one speck of this film that doesn't reek of glorious beauty, and this is probably the most anticipated film of my life. I could not be any more excited.
Eric: This looks like the worst. This is gonna suck. Oh my god. Spike Jonze? Didn't he do Eternal Sunshine or some shit? Yeah. This is maybe the least inventive, most poorly shot-
Alex: Will you just be real?
Eric: This is going to kick as much ass as a film can possibly kick. Definitely most anticipated film of the year for me directly after Fantastic Mr. Fox, because, come on, Wes Anderson gets my rocks off every time. But no, seriously, this is going to be amazing.
Alex: I can't believe we haven't said anything about it already. There was a collective squeal amongst our brethren when this trailer premiered online, and there's been a collective excitement since the very first news of it reached our ears, so WE can't wait, and the world shouldn't be able to wait either.
Eric: Kick ass. Kick ass!
Alex: Alright. Goodbye.
From this point onward, I vow to comment on every edition of this feature. So, allow me to stand on my pedestal as I point out the issues I take with your opinions (because this is America). I won't even dwell on the overly clever writing style you two have chosen to apply to this feature. Sorry for not italicizing film titles. The comment box wouldn't let me do it.
ReplyDeleteIssue #1 (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince): This is a very minor issue, actually. You two agree that with this film, "they finally got into the swing of things." But, Eric, by your logic "they" (the franchise gods?) already had things in swing way back when the third film came out. And I know, Mike Newell did the fourth one, but I liked the fourth one a lot. Argue that if you must. Besides, Eric, after your Cherrybomb trailer post I'm sure you can agree the best thing that ever happened to the Harry Potter series of films is Rupert Grint. Roar (just kidding).
Issue #2 (Paper Heart): I wanted to vomit, eat a raw egg and vomit again after reading this. "Sooooo cute?" Please. More like way too fucking cute. Gross. And I'll stand by my increasing irritation with Michael Cera. At least he plays himself this time. Shouldn't be too much of a stretch.
Issue #3 (Ante Up): You guys seem all for seeing this based on its "so-bad-it's-good" entertainment value. But this is supposed to be a comedy, and who enjoys watching bad comedies? I haven't seen this film, but I don't think you can compare it to Troll 2, which was fun and hilarious because it tried to be a horror movie. (Actually, a small part of me thinks the filmmakers who brought us Troll 2 really knew what they were doing and set out to make a comedy.)
Issue #4 (Rudo y Cursi): Eric, are they really "the three best Mexican filmmakers," or are they just the only Mexican filmmakers you can name?
Issue #5 (The Informers): An awful template to set a movie in? The kitsch of the 80s? I think you're missing the point. It's Ellis, you guys. This film aims to capture the banal and self-absorbed spirit that was supposedly so prevalent throughout that decade. American Psycho, another Ellis adaptation, adopted the same aesthetic and harbored similar intentions, and although it wasn't nearly as good as its source material, it worked. (Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure at least one of you has seen American Psycho and liked it.)
P.S. You two make harsh generalizations about the 80s all the time, and I'm tired of it. Neither of you were even alive during the 80s. (Yeah, Alex, I know you were born in 1989, but that doesn't count.)
So that's it. Five issues. I'm stepping off the pedestal now and storing it in my closet for later use. Please try not to hate me too much.