Saturday, July 11, 2009

Alex and Eric Hate Trailers: Episode 4 (We Bring the Pain)


Hump Day:

Eric: "It's beyond gay." is just great. Still watching.

Alex: Agreed. "That puts a little wrench to the works, doesn't it?"

Eric: Humpday is giving me this little grin that I'm interpreting as "I'm going to be a great movie. Enjoy me. Shhh. It's alright." As ridiculous of a premise as two straight men setting out to make a porn together after years apart, and one with a wife, this looks like it's going to be handled realistically and hilariously. And there's Duplass power.

Alex: Duplasss! I fully and wholeheartedly agree. I was grinning the whole time. The acting! So good! I know kevin hates it when we say this word, but this is prime mumblecore. The best that the sub-sub-sub-genre has to offer.

Eric: This is beyond mumblecore. The camera work is actually something.

Alex: I know! But the basics are still there. And the basics are gooooooooood.

Eric: I want to see Humpday fairly bad. I missed it at the town over's film festival. Shouldn't have.

Alex: Shame. And I do too.


Alex: Alright, so HUH?! Let's be real here, what is this? A drama? A thriller? A war movie? A comedy? (I'm opting for the last) This is one of the most bizarre mainstream trailers I have ever seen. Good thing spiderman can't get killed by rockets, right? I mean, how long was he "dead", and if it was longer than, oh I don't know, an HOUR, how could they not know he was COMATOSE. Fuck.

Eric: If the trailer is any indicator this film is going to have a soundtrack bursting with the height of adult contemporary. The cinematography reminds me of the Funny Games remake, crossed with Gran Torino. How cartoony is that explosion? Jake Gyll calls Portman "Snoop Dogg" right before they kiss... this is a comedy. A drama, coming around in a near full circle to be a comedy.

Alex: Just over-the-top ridiculous. I mean, when you're stricken by the "death" of your beloved husband, it only makes sense to FUCK HIS BROTHER right? No. It doesn't. Stop being bad, "Brothers". And go home.

Eric: Catch how many times the kids said 'dead' in the beginning? Jeez. Tough kids.

Alex: Ready for the next?

Eric: Duh.

The Hurt Locker:

Alex: I'm hurting to watch The Hurt Locker!...... sorry. Looks good! I'm especially fond of the super slo-mo used on the explosions and their immediate effects. Gives a sort of push-pull feel to what could be too quickly paced action sequences. And the acting looks very solid. I like Jeremy Renner. Too bad he was SPOILER ALERT shot in the head in Jesse James.

Eric: I honestly didn't realize that was him. He's great. I was right upset to find out that I'm not going to see this until 14 days from now. I want to see this. Acting looks great, story hints at hitting some regular modern warfare standards, what with marital trouble, and race relations, but that's okay, because the bomb handling is quite uncharted. Did you know Guy Pearce and Ralph Fiennes are in this? Ballsy move of the marketing team not to play that up.

Alex: Hell yeah! (on Guy Pearce and Ralph Fiennes)

Eric: nuff said?

In the Loop:

Alex: "I will marshall all the forces of darkness to hound you to an assisted suicide" = brilliance

Eric: That was way better looking this second time around. I genuinely want to check it out. Like, for seeing purposes. I like the pop-culture references, mixed with all the satire, mixed with the pessimistic look at international politics. Yeah... I'd see this.

Alex: "It'll be easy peezy lemon squeezy." - "No, it will be difficult difficult lemon difficult"

Eric: My favorite line.

Alex: I could quote my way out of this one. I've been dying to see it for a while now. And James Galdolfini is in it! He's the main wild thing!

Eric: Always a plus. Did you see him in The Man Who Wasn't There?

Alex: Yessir i did indeed

Eric: Quite great.

Alex: He was indeed.


Alex: DID YOU SEE THAT?! A CRACK WENT IN BETWEEN ADAM'S AND GOD'S FINGER ON THE SISTINE CHAPEL! OMG SYMBOLISM! Roland Emmerich really just wants to see the world get blown the fuck up. Cool it, Roland! We're fine how we are, kind of! Yeah, it looks god awful.

Eric: It's a really strange cross of what look like true-to-life special effects, and Knowing quality special effects. Believe me, you don't want your effects to be on scale with Knowing. Since when can Amanda Peet and John Cusak play leads in a movie about the destruction of the entire world? The JFK aircraft carrier bowling over is such bullshit. Way to hit us where it hurts. Think you'll see it?

Alex: Oh totally (not totally).I wouldn't waste a dime on Emmerich's shitty catastrophe films.

Eric: I think I might see it with Daniel. We did see Knowing, after all.

Alex: uuuuuuughhhh

Eric: Right. Sorry. Self control. Got it. The Informant time

The Informant!:

Eric: Well... Steven Soderbergh and me have a like-dislike relationship. I'm a fan of most of his work. MOST of it. With the eye-sore halo effect going on, along with the production design making me want to blanche, AND the zany character playing opposite a number of straight-men... I don't know about this one. Feels like an Ocean's Twelve. I hated Ocean's Twelve.

Alex: Yeah i'm a little iffy. Part of me wants to chuckle and perhaps go see, but the other part is telling me NO.

Eric: Right!

Alex: But Matt Damon does seem WaCkY!!!!

Eric: I mean it has a good cast. Some would say great. And a few lines make me near-laugh. But eh.

Alex: Mhmm. I'm fifty fifty

Eric: And I am 25-75.


Alex: Zombies?

Eric: Zombies!

Alex: GO!

Eric: One of the finest intros I ever have seen.

Alex: Harrelson! Eisenberg! Breslin! Cute girl from Superbad!

Eric: What this is going to boil down to is acting. Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Abigail Breslin, and Emma Stone? I think they'll do just fine. The zombies look nice and grotesque. No scrimping.

Alex: None at all. Zombie kill of the week? Awesome touch. "You guys want some purell?"

Eric: Oh man, that line is the fantasticness.

Alex: It's nice and campy. Very self aware. Looks like a lot of fun.

Eric: I'll be enjoying it in Octoberish

The Goods (Redband):

Alex: Kristen Schall: "You Motherfucker."

Eric: She said it.

Alex: She did. I think it looks quite comical. And Jeremy Piven!

Eric: Looky here, lets all get on the Jeremy Piven train, choo choo! Screw that guy. What's he ever done for me? "Entourage"? Smokin' Aces? This looks like it has potential. Po-ten-tial. I'm not marking this good or bad. The red band looks far better than the normal, for sure, but it has lots of room to disappoint

Alex: Does, but it has some great moments in the trailer.

Eric: True.

Alex: Im 60%-40% on this one.

Eric: Very true. I laughed vocally at some. I'm going to say I'm 50-50. Why are we doing these bizarre percentages all of a sudden?

Alex: I have absolutely no idea. 

Eric: What's next?

Cold Souls:

Alex: Giamatti playing Giamatti? Check. Metaphysical plot? Check. Dark sense of humor? Check. A bunch of sad sacks being sad sacky around eachother? Check. I will be seeing this. And seeing it fast.

Eric: Paul Giamatti is one of my top favorite thirty actors, for sure. And in a movie like this, with reality getting a piping hot injection of absurdity, well, that's just awesome. People calling this Kaufman-esque are honoring Charlie Kaufman AND not giving credit to Sophie Barthes, who this is the debut feature of. Surprising.

Alex: "Your soul is in Russia."-"What?!" His expression is priceless, and the ensuing cut to him walking down a freezing street in an ushanka is perfect.

Eric: AND the cinematographer, Andrij Parekh, gets credited at the very end as part of who the film is by, right next to the director. Pretty sweet. His work feels Lance Acord like, who shoots for Spike Jonze. That won't help the Kaufman connections. Lines so great. MUSIC so great. I was way into the soundtrack for the trailer. Hopefully hearing it in the movie.

Alex: Agreed agreed agreed. Unanimity!

The Road:

Eric: I shouldn't have read the book, damn it. All I can see is what they're doing wrong. I can't express how much I hate the 'television showing disaster' stuff, and now I hate seeing how early into their lives they go, because the book doesn't do that. But then I forget the inaccuracies, and it looks awesome, and I'll just set aside my knowledge from the pages and concentrate on what looks like a great movie.

Alex: The epic joy of Where The Wild Things Are released against the utter bleakness of The Road.

Eric: HaHA

Alex: The news footage was added on to the trailer by the studio, and Charlize Theron's character SPOILER ALERT commits suicide within the first ten minutes of the film END SPOILER ALERT.

Eric: Wow. Well done. Sets my mind at ease.

Alex: After hearing those things, and knowing they cut the trailer together to look more fast paced AND reading the first review of it which praised it as a near-perfect adaptation of the book, I'm sold and super excited.

Eric: Well then... I am too. That's good information, there, Alex. Real good.

Alex: I did my research cause I love me some Cormac.

Shutter Island:

Alex: Scorseeeeeeeese! Now THAT'S a thriller. Looks well written, acted, shot, blah, blah. I'm kind of fond of the nightmarish, surrealistic imagery. Kind of a lot. And the plot seems like it could have a bunch of good twists, which is something Scorsese excels at. Excited? Yeah. Yeah I suppose I am.

Eric: Scorsese is such a directing king. This looks creepy. Almost too creepy. Awesome. Agrees be upon what you said, my child. And this has Max von Sydow! Bergman's boy.... 

(A considerable amount of time passes)

Eric: You done about it?

Alex: Hah, yeah we milked that shit.


Eric: Jeez was this cast built to rock the house. Elijah Wood, John C. Reilly, Jennifer Connelly, Crispin Glover, Christopher Plummer. Awesome. Directed by Shane Acker, of three awesome shorts previously? Spectacular. Given the producing blessing of Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov? Quite the feat. And a trailer that makes me wish I liked Coheed and Cambria? One of my most anticipated films, up there with a few of what we've already discussed here today

Alex: All goodness of a gothic-post apocalyptic piece wrapped up in a fresh new story with beautiful animation. I am incredibly eager about this one. The fact that it almost makes me ignore the shudder worthy song at the end? Amazing. Let's call it a day, every other post-apocalyptic animated feature film, this one takes the cake. And yes, the cast! Brilliance!

The short film that it's based on, by the same director, just makes me that much more sure it will be wonderful,

Eric: Is it weird that I get a Land Before Time vibe?

Alex: Yes. Yes it is.

Eric: Well, deal.

Alex: On to sherlock?

Eric: Ha. Why not.

Sherlock Fucking Holmes:

Alex: Well, well, well. What do we have here? It certainly isn't Sherlock Holmes, I can tell you that. Saving the world? Sherlock Holmes solved fucking mysteries. On a small scale. No no no this is Guy Ritchie masturbating all over Robert Downey Jr. while he stands waist deep in a pool of uninspired period set pieces. And fights a guy shirtless in a boxing ring? So you can see his muscles are actually made of gelatin? Stop it Guy Ritchie. You're done.

Eric: Guy Ritchie has undoubtedly made another heaping pile of shit. Not for lack of trying otherwise. He has Jude Law, and Robert Downey, Jr., and even a sexy, gussied-up Rachel McAdams to work with, but no, he is Guy Ritchie, and everything he touches turns to complete shit. Fuck it.

Alex: Can we talk about the filters, please?

Eric: Please.

Alex: Is it just me, or does it look like he smeared ash and shit across the lens, the had a thin veil of smoke fill every set? Awful. Just unattractive. And very incondusive to what should be A FUCKING PERIOD PIECE

Eric: Guy Ritchie is to film making as bears are to chocolate-covered campers. 

Alex: Hahaha. I get it. He mauls filmmaking into a bloody, unrecognizable pulp. Not to be all literal with your awesome joke or anything. 

Eric: Yeah, that.

Alex: Well this was productive.

Eric: It was. I think we did a good job here, and are awesome.

Alex: I think we are awesome too. 

(no one reads this)

1 comment:

  1. I read this. And then I vomited all over myself and the dog, took an enema, and rinsed my mouth out with lemon juice.

    Sherlock Holmes looks like an improvement for Guy Ritchie, at least.