Friday, July 10, 2009

WMCA Volume Four: Our Children See This Monkey Trash

Let us all give a big On The Matter Of Film welcome to newest contributing writer Brianna Wellen, journalism major and film buff extraordinaire. Find her luke warm take on Bruno, this year's smash mocku/documentary hit, beneath this latest entry of What Miserable Cover Art. All eyes on me for now.

Kids really get the short end of the stick when their less-than-favorite movies are released on DVD. Companies that know they're only making the world worse with their unfunny, low production valued rip-offs of bigger franchises, put seemingly no effort into the designs presenting their filth. Just ask Funky Monkey:

A chimpanzee in shorts? Now I've seen everything. And in the immortal words of Beck: "In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey." As Beck puts, and puts well, monkeys and chimpanzees aren't the same thing. According to science this DVD cover has already dug its own grave. First thing you learn at Cover Design University is always get your facts straight. Otherwise you get a mess like this on your hands. Even the tagline has the title beat.

I'm not here to point at fingers, I'm here to point at clenched fists. This chimp has a mean right hook, and it can punch right through his tagline. It can punch the words 'super' and 'chimp' into awkwardly slanted angles, and convey not at all how high-tech the chimp is, how funky the chimp is, or how well he can wear a utility fanny-pack.

The tagline is so lazy. Here it is, telling you about a high-tech super chimp, and the most it can do is get clunked out of order, and end on a period? Doesn't a chimp like this deserve something more? Bigger text, perhaps? An exclamation point? At least give the guy an exclamation point. Imagine Ben Stein introducing this super chimp, because that's where this tagline is on a scale from Ben Stein to extreme. It needs to be extreme.

I hate the numbers trying to exude techiness, and I hate the colors trying to look coy, and I hate the shining metallic title font, and I hate the lot of it. This cover is miserable.

- Eric T. Voigt, On My Lunch Break

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