Monday, July 13, 2009

WMCA Volume Seven: "Only This Time I'm Gonna Stick My Tongue In Your Mouth, And When I Do That I Want You To Massage My Tongue With Yours."

I'm going to title each What Miserable Cover Art a line from a film. It could be from any film, whether I like it or not, and it could be vastly significant, or completely nonsensical. And if anyone can guess correctly which movie the line is from the guesser will win exactly one prize. 

Moving on, I'd like to acquaint everyone with The Bourne Ultimatum's DVD cover. Say hello, everyone. Say hello, Matt Damon:
Dreadfully drab. A drab blue. And kind of blurry, because fast paced cutting and high-speed action is the Bourne series' thing, and that really comes through in a still picture. It doesn't so much look like he's moving as it does the background was quickly pulled to the right. 

By this, the third in the series, I think we're expected to understand who Jason Bourne is and why he looks so determined, and has a gun. Bourne kicks ass and takes names without knowing his own, and that's why we like the big lug, but this cover doesn't conjure up feelings of admiration, it conjures up feelings of pity. He looks lonely on that sparse cover, and his face has managed to pull off determined and goofy in a stellar one-two expression punch. 

Note the blurb dolling out lofty praise, earning the film's credibility, comes from Maxim. It's hard to read but trust me, I held the box in my hands today, I know it says Maxim. I've never thought of Maxim having the authority to decide which action movie is better than another. I've never thought of Maxim as knowing what action movies were coming out even one decade ago, let alone decades. That's more than twenty years of action movies Bourne is beating out by their standards. 

Let Action Movies Are Awesome Weekly give The Bourne Ultimatum its blurbs, and let Maxim tell me if she is worth ogling: 
Maxim says yes. 

The Bourne Ultimatum doesn't have a terrible cover, but it doesn't have a cover worthy of its charm. I saw this baby in the theatre. I saw its younger brother Supremacy in the theatre, too. A movie with such class and might should have a cover with glitz. The film doesn't have anything to prove, but with a cover so lame it seems like it has negative proving power. 

Good movies should have good covers. Is that so hard to see? 

 - Eric T. Voigt, Silky Smooth


  1. I don't see anything really wrong with this cover. I think it gracefully combines "class and might."

  2. Its from Cruel Intentions, isnt it??