Saturday, July 25, 2009

I Don't Want More Tron, Grandma

Flashback to the Summer of 2006. On a hot, muggy day a boy crouches near his small, inadequate RCA television and eyes the cover of Disney's Tron skeptically. He looks towards the tower of other DVDs checked out from the library: Reservoir Dogs, The Godfather, Barton Fink. He turns to Tron but once more, grimaces, and pops it in. The teen sulks back to the couch, possibly shirtless, and begins watching what was apparently revolutionary in 1982.

The child fidgets and yawns through roughly 24 minutes before shutting it off in a vengefully bored stupor. Cut to three years later. The boy is now a boy, but in college, and has spent a great deal of his life trying to set aside the disappointment and shame earned from the viewing of the first Tron. He is almost brought to tears when he realizes he must refer to Tron as the first, because he has unfortunately learned that over two decades after the original's release a sequel is in the works. I am that boy.

The least exciting/most exciting moment in Tron

I didn't like Tron even a little bit. It tore out my joy like it had something to prove. The story was about as gripping as faulty velcro, and the acting was as good as faulty velcro. The special effects made me sad to be alive. The world felt so vast and artificial it tricked me into thinking I had agoraphobia for 5 full minutes. The knowledge that Tron Legacy is coming feels like icing on a cake of cement. I hate eating cement. 

The sneak peek at what Tron Legacy has to offer shows off just how far light-cycle races haven't come, how ugly new technology can be, and a creepy demonstration of Jeff Bridges ability to kill a man with a frisbee. I want this movie like I want a hole in the back of your head. Enjoy.

 - Eric T. Voigt, Computer Worlds Are Laaaaame

1 comment:

  1. Firstly, super-duper awesome writing.

    Secondly, huhz? Is that really Tron Legacy?..... holy shit. That's awful. That's just awful.